Why are some people secure in their intimate relationship and seem to have a healthy happy bond, while others seem to be constantly worried their partner will leave them, or doesn’t love them enough? Why is it that others seem to avoid intimacy and seem to be afraid of getting too close to their partner? The answer lies in Adult Attachment Style.
There are generally three basic attachment styles developed during early childhood: secure, anxious and avoidant. These attachment styles often relate to one’s experiences with his or her primary caregivers. If caregivers were attentive, available and responsive, a secure attachment is usually developed. This early relationship is thought to influence your intimate relationships as an adult.
Your particular attachment style is a partial predictor of relationship health. Securely attached styles create adults that are generally warm, loving and can communicate intimate needs with one another without too much fear of intimacy. They are able to seek and provide support to their partner. In general, they have healthier, long-lasting relationships and tend to be happier.
Anxious attachers worry that others may not love them completely and are preoccupied with rejection and abandonment. They worry their partner does not love them as much as they do and can often be seen as clingy, needy or desperate; becoming angry when the other person cannot meet their needs. Individuals who have an anxious attachment style often had at least one caregiver who was inconsistently available or authoritarian in nature.
Avoidantly attached adults often see intimacy as scary and view open communication, and intimacy as a threat to their independence. They don’t want others to depend on them and they often avoid depending on others. They appear not to care a great deal about intimate relationships, but this is usually a cover-up for true feelings of vulnerability. Avoidant attachers abstain from discussing emotions and feelings, as this can feel uncomfortable. They tend to push those closest to them away, especially when difficult situations or conversations emerge. Avoidantly attached individuals often had a caregiver who was cold and rejecting or had trouble responding on an emotional level.
Attachment style as an adult is also related to how caregivers interacted during arguments and how they handled difficult situations. Additionally, it is related to how caregivers discussed feelings in general including whether caregivers allowed a child to display a full range of emotions, or whether they only allowed \”acceptable\” emotions. Did they say, \”Don’t cry\” or \”Don’t be sad\” or did they allow expression of those sad emotions and validate them?
So if one is not securely attached are they destined for catastrophe? The good news is that attachment styles can change over time and are also influenced by intimate relationships as an adult. Negative patterns can be healed and attachment style is thought to vary in degree and intensity. Secure attachments can be strengthened, while anxious or avoidant attachers can learn to become securely attached. Through self-awareness and commitment, wellness can most certainly be attained.
Which one are you?
